Jackson's Birth Story

You might be wondering, if you know me well, why I'm just now writing this. My baby boy is already a year old *cue the tears*.... well for me his birth was a horrific unacceptable experience. A sweet client of mine (you know who you are), after letting me pour my heart out a bit with some of the details of his birth, had suggested I write it all down. It would be therapeutic. I would try several times to and then would freak out knowing I wasn't ready yet. I was too fragile still, it was all too real. I feel like before I get into it I should stop & share more. This birth story shouldn't start where normal birth stories begin. I think for this one I need to back track a bit, okay a lot.

I've wanted to be a Mommy ever since I could remember. I was the kid begging my friends to play house and I would call dibs on being the Mom. I was the kid who my Mom would find me in my room pretending to be a Mommy with a pillow stuffed under my shirt. I was the kid who would proudly declare, "a Mommy", when a teacher or friend would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up. I feel that's important to note before I begin.

And I guess there's another thing to disclose as well. At age 19 I was diagnosed with PCOS and I remember in my heart of hearts after hearing that I had this feeling it would be hard for me to get pregnant. I wasn't trying to be pessimistic, I'm actually quite a positive person. But I think I just had this gut feeling it wouldn't be as easy as I made it seem at 5 years old with a pillow stuffed under my shirt. Fast forward to marrying the man of my dreams and deciding it was time to raise a family.

Since this is an IVF journey story as well, let me give you the "to make a long story short" version. When infertility hit us we started IVF...

Egg retrieval...one of the WORST experiences of my life. Seriously I can be dramatic but I believe I said more than a few times to my husband, "I think I'm dying". And on top of trying to keep the pain in check, my belly swelled up so big I looked pregnant for well over a month, how cruel is that? Then came the baby transfer... I gave myself such anxiety it almost didn't happen. Thank the Lord I'm a believer and came prepared to that cold room blasting my Jesus music. Real talk: my greatest fear during that procedure was peeing on my Doctor. My bladder was so full I just don't get how it didn't burst. More fast forwarding to the best phone call ever where the sweet nurse indeed confirmed we were pregnant and my HCG levels were high and I had this immense feeling both my babies we put in took and I would be carrying twins.

Then a really painful night in November of 2015 happened and I miscarried one of my babies. I often times have this immense feeling rush over me, something inside me tells me often it was a little girl.

We aren't even to the birth story so once again I'll speed up... my pregnancy was really tough on me. The IVF meds did me in, certain infections and issues overcame me at times. Such a blessing I had my job and loved ones to help pass the time until I could meet my sweet miracle baby. My due date was July 22 and when we got to May I started needing twice weekly NST's. Something most IVF babies need. My lil man really needed the extra monitoring though as it showed on ultrasounds that his umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice. Let me just tell you them sharing that and then saying often times the issue fixes itself and not to worry does nothing, you still worry.. all the time! A few times during those NST appointments I was given meds to stop my contractions from happening. My OB, who I will not be naming so let's just call her Dr. S, kept telling me I was sensitive and anxiety ridden (no crap doctor) and that everything was okay. But I remember after each visit to see her and each NST I had this Mama instinct that I would not make it to full term. I remember praying to God and talking to this miracle baby growing in my belly to just make it to 36 weeks. 36 weeks and whatever comes after that we will tackle it. The week of June 19 I had a scheduled NST in which my contractions were stronger than ever and since I was almost to 36 weeks I was given the choice if I wanted them to stop them or not. My husband and I said no more meds. They checked me and I was barely dilated to a 1 and was 85% effaced. Let me real talk again, holy crud being checked to see if you are dilated is not fun and not okay. Good Lord I wish there was another way to check that. OUCH!

After that hospital appt, I again told my baby boy, just get to 36 weeks & we will go from there. After that NST I had a follow up appt with Dr. S who seemed not the bit concerned. I should mention something and quick disclaimer that this is just my opinion but acupuncture is one of the main reasons I got thru this pregnancy. What a Godsend. I had acupuncture that same week of June 19 to which my acupuncturist said he has dropped so much, I can't see you making it to see me next week. She knew I've been saying all along that I wouldn't make it to full term. She agreed. Before I go on to the next part which is where the birth story truly begins, again I must ramble off. I should mention when I would be having these contractions during my NST's I very rarely felt them, they were never painful to the point of tears (I'm a crier so that's saying something) and also my baby boy's heart rate never changed. The nurses would joke that nothing phased him and that it was confusing to look at because what they saw on the monitor didn't match how he was reacting and how little I felt it. I felt that was worth mentioning.

Okay if you're still with me, bless you. I could never just dive into this birth story without sharing the above. So let's get to it...

Friday, June 24 2016 marked 36 weeks pregnant with my little IVF miracle. I remember not feeling my best all day. I stayed in pajamas but still managed to snap a picture of my 36 week belly. It was to one of my best friends in which the text under the picture said something along the lines of "OH em gee could he look like he's any lower?" In the picture I'm sporting the shortest fuzziest hello kitty shorts and a tight tank top...not even thinking this would be the last belly shot I took.

I took a shower after dinner and felt so uncomfortable. I remember all I wanted to wear was a big tshirt and couldn't decide if I was hungry or not. I just didn't feel right or my best. My husband brought me cheese and crackers in bed and a Sprite around 10ish and we snuggled watching a show or two in bed. At 11:15ish Jeff, my husband, went to open up the laundry room window so we could cool down the house. I sat up in bed feeling like I needed to pee and suddenly felt a quick small gush and without hesitation I knew exactly what had happened. I immediately started shaking and tried to find my voice. I yelled "babe, babe, BABE!" Jeff came flying into the room as if he knew the sound of my voice was something serious. Once again shaking and trying to find my voice, I managed to say quite loudly "my water broke!" We knew that if this was the case, for us, we were told to immediately head to the hospital. If you know me well you know that my hospital bags and anything I needed were all packed at 30 weeks. By the way I should mention I prayed constantly that my water would break, I really did. I wanted there to be no doubt that I needed to go to the hospital and I wanted to be able to experience birth best I could before needing any pain meds and such. I scrambled to the bathroom as water followed my every move behind me. I seriously didn't know what to do. Wear a diaper? A pad? Just tie a huge trash bag around me?! It was so much water. As we headed downstairs I continued shaking as I dialed my moms number at almost midnight and was shocked she picked up so fast. Our bond and relationship is pretty amazing. So the fact that she rarely hears her phone and is usually fast asleep around 8 or 9...yet managed to answer that night is pretty awesome. God is so good to me I'm telling ya! She calmed me down a bit like only a mother could and we hopped in the car and made the drive to the hospital, the 5 minute drive I might add. So fast. We got a prime parking spot which I was ecstatic about and jeff helped me waddle into the emergency room doors. As my husband picked up the phone letting the lady on the other end know my water broke and I was 36 weeks along, I remember thinking I'm going to meet my little man soon, this is it! They told us to have a seat and they would make sure they had a room. Waiting for someone to get us felt like torture. I was leaking nonstop and I don't like being around people, I like privacy. So I just felt uncomfortable and awkward. The nurse that came to get us and bring us to a room had actually been one of my NST nurses and I liked her. I immediately felt comfortable....

This is where I get bummed that I didn't write all this down right away. I don't remember a lot of details but remind myself a lot that that's okay, you weren't ready to relive it. What I can recall is that I was so nervous excited I couldn't handle it. And it took a few hours for me to feel contractions and I barely slept. And in the very early morning I realized "wow you don't have a high pain tolerance for this whole labor thing" haha. I remember being taught and told that I could ask for an epidural at any time. So when they asked my pain level and I said 5 or 6 & my level I wanted to tolerate is a 2, I thought sweet I get my epidural. Well when Dr. S arrived around 8ish in the morning and waltzed into my room in workout gear I remember immediately feeling uncomfortable. First of all, is that professional? She literally had workout shorts and a tshirt on and acted like she ran the joint. She had this air about her and I didn't like it. Now I should mention yes she was like that at our appointments and in her office too but she was also funny and to the point. This here that I was witnessing in that moment was different, I didn't like it. She went over to look at babies heart rate and my contraction sheet and to chat with the nurse and said "well nothing is happening here really. You aren't in real labor yet. So what I will have the nurse do is start you on pitocin to help bring on the contractions and speed up the process". My husband and I said okay and I immediately asked if I could get an epidural. I wish I could have recorded how she replied. 1 reason being so I could properly quote her but 2 being so that I could share how annoying she sounded. Like she could care less. She said she would not let me get an epidural until I was farther along since I wasn't in "real labor" as she called it. I don't need to make the details of this day drag on. I had, for the most part, really kind nurses, who could tell I was having a hard time and had to constantly remind me to breathe out. I was miserably hungry and miserably thirsty and in pain. I was so sad that I couldn't eat or drink anything.

Around midday they checked to see how far I was dilated which hurt like hell and I was barely a 1. So they called Dr. S who said no epidural yet, lets up pitocin and wait more. They said if I could get to a 4 or 5 I could get an epidural. Around 4pm I couldn't stand the pain any longer, I felt pathetic. But at the same time I felt so confused. I honesty just always remembered hearing if you can't handle the pain you can ask for help at any time, so why was I being denied? I was crying so hard and so uncomfortable. And to make it worse I'm a very sensitive person and a super private person. So I felt uncomfortable to even be around people and be vulnerable like this. My poor husband didn't even know how to help me and I'm surprised I hadn't cut off circulation to his hands. Anyway so they checked me again and I was barely a 3, I begged my sweet nurse to please get me an epidural. I couldn't keep going like this. She called Dr. S and finally by the grace of God she said I could. Waiting for the guy to come give me the good stuff was torture. My nurse that night kept checking in and coming back with reports like "he is one person before you so you're up next". I wasn't even worried about the fear of the epidural at this point, I just needed it more than anything. The guy administering it finally came in and was kind. He walked me thru all he would do and I worked on listening and breathing to stay ahead of my anxiety. I should share at this point that I have had horrible anxiety most of my life so I was determined to stay as calm and focused as I could during labor. Anyway it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, it was just weird. He told me if I felt like I couldn't manage the pain I could just press the button to up it. Late this same day, which if I hadn't mentioned it, was Saturday June 25 I started feeling pain in my lower back, something I didn't prepare for. I kept pressing that epidural button like it was pez candy. I remember explaining how I feel like I wasn't ever going to even feel normal real contractions. Even during the NST when they would tell me I was having contractions I didn't really feel them. I foolishly thought hmm maybe I'm super tough. Ha! That's a joke. I unfortunately don't remember this late Saturday evening what I was dilated to, but it was enough to be hopeful that he would be coming by morning. Even my nurse who left me at 7 said "oh dear no I'll definitely be meeting your baby when I'm back on tomorrow morning". That excited me! Suddenly at one point I noticed I was creeping on 24 hours with my water being broken. Something inside me panicked. I had read and been told that you shouldn't go longer than 24 hours with your water broken. I called the nurse in and asked would I be doing a c section because it had almost been 24 hours and she said my doctor said not yet. That confused me but no one seemed to be saying anything or arguing so I thought okay by morning something will happen. Pausing to share that as I tried so desperately to fall asleep I was so hungry it was making me nauseous but also the vomiting (sorry tmi) of nothingness began as the epidural was just making me sick. Again kicking myself for not at least jotting down notes but I basically didn't sleep much. Also pausing again to state that one thing every nurse kept saying thru out my labor is wow your baby is so calm in there, he is oblivious to anything out of the ordinary. I recall one nurse saying, "if every baby had stats like these labor would be a breeze for all of us nurses." *shrugs* guess he just felt safe and secure being with his Mama. So morning came and I barely slept a wink, it was becoming clear the epidural was not my friend and was not helping my back pain. I constantly was telling the nurse why do I still feel so much pain on my left side. And unfortunately I don't have the greatest hips so when they would have me turn to let the epidural move different places my hip would go numb pretty quick and be painful so I would have to switch back and forth. It was around 9am on Sunday June 26 that once again Dr. S came walking into my room in workout gear seeming to care less about me. She asked for some gloves so she herself could check me. I wanna say she said I was dilated a 5, barely a 5 1/2, but I don't know for sure. I remember she asked the nurse to check as well to get her opinion. Then comes the fun part. I explain to her that I can't stand the pain at all, to the point of can I request a c section and I don't like how long my water has been broken. Her response? "But you aren't even in real labor. This is just pre labor. I don't just want to jump to a c section yet." I remember her words felt so cold to hear, so heartless and if she said "not real labor" one more time I don't know, I couldn't move but in my head I wanted to punch her. Putting my trust in this doctor of mine, I simply nodded trying not cry and she said she would be back to check on me later but they wanted to up my pitocin and give me something else which I don't remember what. When she left I asked my nurse "I don't understand I thought you shouldn't go longer than 24 hours with your water broken". I felt like with her reply to my confusion was basically her stuttering & backing my doctors decision and assuring me I was okay and baby was okay and we needed to give it more time. Some time before noon I begged for the doctor to come back in and re-do the epidural which he did and I felt relief. Remember the nurse that I mentioned leaving me around 7 the night before saying I would be having my baby by morning? Well she popped in to see me and was shocked he wasn't here yet and even more shocked that not once had little man gone into shock from this labor. One of my sisters called Jeff saying she wanted to come say hi and see how I was doing. At that moment with the new epidural I was doing good. It was manageable. I said yes please come! Boy did I not anticipate it suddenly not becoming enjoyable. Within an hour of my sister being there the pain in my lower back was horrific. What people say how you forget what you go thru in labor is correct. As I write this nearly a year later. I don't remember how to even explain accurately how horrific it was. I honestly just never expected to have back labor, I wasn't prepared for it, I didn't get it. The abdominal pain was manageable for the most part but not the back pain. I'm not a huge curser but I had to pray a lot for forgiveness the week after his birth as at this time I used every single bad word I could think of. I felt out of control, I was confused, it was making me sick, I was uncomfortable, I was embarrassed. I tried so hard to listen to my sweet nurse. Find a spot on the wall, focus on it, breathe out. I couldn't do any of that. I was miserable. I never imagined my labor going this long. As late afternoon crept upon me I once again begged for more epidural. I believe it was around 6pm where I begged my nurse to get the guy fast so I could please get some relief. I was throwing up a lot and feeling clammy and in my opinion I felt like my body was giving out on me. I will never forget how sweet my sister was to me. Yes she's my sister but I was still every uncomfortable and embarrassed by my behavior and my choice words and how I couldn't just be strong enough and deal with the pain. She was calm and steady and I suddenly was just so thankful she was there. If you don't know me, you should know my Mom is my best friend and she couldn't be there with me so that was really hard for me. But to have my sister there was wonderful even though I was showing myself in not the nicest of lights. I WILL never forget what happened next because it stands out. I'm typically a quiet nice girl but when over 20 minutes or so had gone by, okay maybe even 5 minutes haha who knows I was miserable. I said so loudly with a bad word thrown in there, where is the doctor? I want an epidural now". Then my curtain came open and he replied I'm right here. I immediately apologized and got so red in the face. So mortified and I dunno if he was already an ass or if he didn't like me yelling that but he wasn't very nice. It's important for this story to state because he plays a role in what happens later. He administers a new epidural and explains this will probably be the last one I'll be getting. An hour or so later I started to really not feel well. My temperature was taken and it was discovered that I had a fever and therefore so did our baby. That was terrifying to me. I labored too long I thought right away to myself. I quickly asked my nurse with tears rolling down my face if I could please get a c section now and she said yes at this point you will need to get one. Dr S has been contacted and you will be prepped shortly. I was concerned about my back labor. It had not once stopped since midday. How was I supposed to lie still during the c section? I could not for the life of me understand why the epidural wasn't helping it. It sure was making me numb in areas but my poor back was not finding relief. A nurse came in explaining to my scared nervous excited antsy husband how he would need to dress for the c section and how someone would come grab him after they prepped me. That was the part that terrified me. The fact that I would be without him for a bit. I remember the nurse coming in explaining that the doctor who administered the epidural would be waiting in the OR room with Dr S to prepare me for the c section. I shouldn't need a spinal too it was explained since I had just received an epidural. Once again I was left thinking in my own mind how the heck this was supposed to work. This much pain and I was meant to be still and have a 20-30 minute procedure without moving. My sister hugged me and I gave my husband the tightest hug ever as they wheeled me away. I focused on the fact that I would see him in a few minutes and that I would be okay in this little bit of time without him. They wheeled me off in my bed and into a cold room. Not only did I not feel physically comfortable emotionally I was a wreck. They had me help move myself from my bed to the operating bed which let me tell you was so weird and crazy to try and do especially with nonstop back labor. I asked the anesthesiologist "how long will this procedure be" to which he replied it would depend but generally around 30 minutes. I then asked him how I was supposed to lie still if I could feel every back labor pain and have it be so strong. He then said we would, in addition, to the epidural give a spinal to help. Some nurses helped me sit up and turn my legs to hang over the side of my bed. A tiny short nurse comes over and says "okay lean on me forward and I will support you." I laughed, no hesitation said nothing at first but just laughed. She looked at me and I said "you can hold me up? I feel like I will crush you." She said "oh no I'm strong I got you." She was sweet but she didn't. As I leaned forward I felt her shake a bit supporting me. Never have I felt so fat than right then. Okay I'm being dramatic but still. I tried my best to help support myself but being numb from butt down wasn't helping. They did the spinal which made my body flinch and I immediately felt like it went into a wrong spot. It just felt weird but what do I know. So they laid me back down and continued preparing the room and I wasn't feeling a huge difference in pain but thought maybe this is normal. Dr S didn't even acknowledge me or smile at me. She chatted and laughed with the staff ordering them around but I was nonexistent. I couldn't wait at that point for Jeff to come be with me. What happened next I don't fully understand as I'm not in the medical field and I don't understand full detail but Dr. S asked for the knife scalpel whatever you call it and started heading for my stomach. The moment the knife went into my stomach I flinched and screamed. That pain was something else. I am assuming she was trying to see how numb I was. Well I freakin wasn't. Suddenly I felt my arms being strapped in which made my anxiety ridden self panic and I felt people holding me down. I yelled again "oh my gosh that hurt". Dr S paused and looked at me and then the anesthesiologist. I unfortunately don't remember exactly what happened next. But at one point I said if I'm not numb and I'm still in pain what will need to be done. Mind you I have a fever, strapped down, no husband by my side... The anesthesiologist said you will need to be put under then. I took in the deepest breathe the moment he said that. I said "I'll miss my son being born? But if I feel it enough and the pain of back labor is bad enough to make me move what else can I do?" Dr S looked at me and said in a monotone no sweet sounding voice "if we put you under your husband is not allowed in and you run the risk of issues associated with being put under." I got frustrated and I'm sure snappy. "But my back labor isn't stopping and I'm in immense pain". She sternly looked at me and then at the nurse and said "okay tell her husband he can't come in." Before I could say anything a breathing mask was put over my nose and mouth. I squirmed a bit and a nurse came over to me and put her hand on my head. I rocked my head back and forth enough to get the mask a bit off to tell her get it off of me. She took it off and the grouchy Anesthesiologist came over and said you need that on, put it back. I was so pissed. I told him "you haven't told me what's happening. Please tell me" he said you need this on and I asked again why? Is this what will put me under and he said yes. The nurse rubbed my shoulder as she put it back on and tears fell down from my eyes landing in my ears.i think that nurse was the only person there bringing me any sort of comfort. All I could think to do before I went fast asleep is pray that the Lord watch over my baby and don't let me die. Literally the last thing I prayed was for Jesus to keep me and baby alive. And then everything went black. I woke up to a mans voice saying something like, "you're all done and waking up now." My eyes squinted in the bright lights and as I coughed the most horrific pain came over me and my hands without hesitation went to grab at my stomach. The anesthesiologist quickly said no stop you can't touch it just be still. I couldn't formulate words as tears fell down my face. The fact that this pain felt worse than back labor was something else. I looked around the room and couldn't see my baby anywhere. The anesthesiologist left and I saw nurses working about. No one talked to me. It was so frustrating that I couldn't find my voice and each time I had to cough the pain shot thru my entire body as if I was being stabbed over and over. I felt like it took an eternity to find my voice. In reality it was probably about 5 minutes or less of me watching people waiting for someone to tell me where my baby was and how he was. I remember my first horrible thought was "oh my gosh no one is talking to me. I don't see him. He died." I was shocked no cared about the mute girl laying crying on the cold hard bed. Suddenly my eyes followed the nurse that had helped me in my room before the c section. I cleared my throat, wincing and managed to finally ask "Where's my baby?" She seemed stressed but turned around and smiled. He's good! He's getting all checked out. He's cute. I sighed and my heart found its way back together and I thanked the Lord. I turned to look at the nurse sitting beside me typing away in her computer and asked "why am I in so much pain?" I wasn't kidding the pain, every breath, every cough, any movement, and I was miserable. She looked at me and said "don't worry we will get you pain meds soon". I thought geez I'm the biggest baby there is. I've watched countless c section videos on YouTube. I know many who had it done. Does no one talk about this pain openly? My tears wouldn't stop and neither would the pain. One of the nurses rolled over a machine and worked away at beginning to administer the meds. Within minutes of her trying it was obvious she didn't know what she was doing or the machine was being difficult. I kid you not probably another 10 mins or so went by as now 4 people were trying to figure out this machine and someone was on the computer looking up directions. I suddenly just burst into tears and again looked at the nurse beside me at the computer and asked her, "I don't understand why I'm in this much pain, everybody goes thru this? This is normal?" She turns around and says "I'm sorry dear your epidural and the spinal both didn't work but they are working on the pain meds now." I wanted to scream. I wanted to curse, I wanted to throw things. I was furious, miserable, and in unbelievable pain. I was in my own world at this point. Begging my dry dry throat to not make me keep coughing, praying to the Lord that He would take away this pain, & thinking I could never do this again. When I saw my husband walk into the room with tears falling down his cheeks, my tears joined his. I had no words, he came straight to my feet putting his hand on my leg as they worked to get the pain meds going. I remember I couldn't even look at him. I was furious, I felt broken. I felt weak, I was horrified how I was treated, but I was grateful that wherever my baby was he was safe. FINALLY pain meds were administered. Jeff came up to hold my hand and he asked if i was okay and all I could do was shake my head. He asked again and I said no. He held my hand tighter rubbing my arm and the first sentence I told my husband with my heart breaking and my lips quivering was "I'm never doing this again, I can't." He got emotional and simply replied "I know it's okay I love you." I regained my composure and asked "how is our baby boy?" He said "Jackson James is perfect." I smiled. Smiled for the first time in who knows how long at that point. He squeezed my hand and said "yea you're right I love the name, I looked at him and knew." They wheeled me into our recovery room and transferred me to the new bed in the room. Let me tell you when I realized they would be moving me completely without me needing to help them was ecstatic. I remember the sweetest nurse laughing thinking that I thought I had to help move my tired in pain body to the new bed. One of the hardest parts was waiting 4 long, painfully LONG might I add, hours to meet my son. Jeff wanted to show me pictures but I asked him not. I told him I wanted to see him for the first time and try to give myself back that moment best I could. The moment I felt was stolen from me. The nurse encouraged me to sleep as I waited to meet my son, that was a joke. Finally 1am rolled around and I saw the door open. Hoping it wasn't another nurse wanting to check vitals, I squinted my eyes as a light went on above me and I saw a little tiny newborn bed being wheeled my way. The anticipation of being able to see my son, smell him, touch him, hold him, kiss him...was almost too much to handle. Every part of my body wanted to run to him or at least sit up. But the pain was far too intense. One of the best feelings in the world was when the nurse handed him to me and 4 hours after he was born I got to see his perfect face. I'm pretty sure I couldn't stop saying "he's so cute". The way he molded himself to my body. I could feel his heart beating against me and I felt such peace and love. When the nurse left the room I looked at my husband and said, "I didn't mean what I said before. I would do this again in a heartbeat." He just lovingly looked at us both and quietly said, "I know." A few hours after meeting my son for the first time, a doctor came in to let us know that test results they had received showed Jackson had low blood sugar and would need to head to the NICU. Oh man my heart ripped in two having my little man leave me. I barely slept that night. But when morning came, a nurse & my husband got me in a wheelchair and we headed to the NICU. The staff and nurses caring for my baby boy were so wonderful and I worked with the most hilarious and amazing lactation consultant to help with breastfeeding. On Tuesday morning, two days after giving birth. Well not even a full 48 hours really. I was getting ready to see my sweet boy in the NICU. My husband was taking a nap in the most uncomfortable bed beside me when the room door opened and in walked Dr. S with the nurse. She took a look at the wheelchair by the door and stopped in her tracks. She asked in that cold monotone voice she always has, "why is this wheelchair here?" The nurse said, "she's going to head to the NICU soon to see her baby." Dr S looked at me, "If you can't walk to the NICU than you can't see your baby. If you were at home right now, you would be walking around, walking outside to get the mail, walking upstairs, doing your normal routine. The only reason you haven't been discharged yet is because your baby is in the NICU." I wish I could remember more. Like how I felt, if I said anything. I do remember I instantly had tears in my eyes and my heart felt like it was breaking. She could care less. I bit my lip trying hard not to cry or say anything. She came to check on me by pressing on my stomach and looking at my chart. She then grabbed the wheelchair and told the nurse she needed to speak to her outside. The second the door closed, I whispered for my husband to wake up. Yep he had been sound asleep the entire time! It took me tossing my empty water bottle at him to get him to sit straight up. I burst into hyperventilating tears trying my best to breathe and explain what just happened. How Dr. S had basically crossed a huge line with me by making it sound like she had ANY right to deny me seeing my baby. My husband rushed to sit next to me in bed trying to calm me down as the door opened and the sweet nurse came back in obviously looking incredibly uncomfortable. I noticed she had the wheelchair and she came over and rubbed my arm as she saw my tears and then explained, "I'm so sorry about that. I explained to her you are healing well, but having a hard time with swelling. Asked her if you could at least use the wheelchair as a walker. She said that was fine." I managed to thank the nurse and she quietly said, "I'm so sorry I felt I couldn't overstep the doctor." Jeff said it was alright and we understood. Recovery was rough but I was so proud of my body. I have an autoimmune disease. My pregnancy wasn't easy, but the Lord was sure seeing me thru it all. I wasn't using the wheelchair as a crutch but my feet were swollen 2/3x their normal size. Still to this day, as I type this a year later I cringe at Dr. S's lack of bedside manner, her lack of sensitivity, & little to no care for me as her patient. To not prolong this exhausting birth experience any longer I will say my healing sped up and my strong sweet cute baby boy worked hard at getting better with his low blood sugar and his jaundice and on Thursday June 30, we were released.

It was a birth experience I never thought I would have. I guess I wanted to write this first and foremost for me. I feel weight lifted off my shoulders, off my heart as I type this knowing the end of this story is coming. But I prayed about it and truly felt led to share it with others. Why? Because learn from me. Don't be too nice or worry you're overly sensitive. If you don't feel comfortable with someone especially a doctor, speak up, be brave, move on. Don't feel trapped. Don't push your feelings aside, DONT put yourself down thinking it's you. I did that. I'm too nice and too positive sometimes. I scrambled constantly to find Dr. S's good qualities. I knew deep in my heart she wasn't the right fit for me but ignored it. Everything happens for a reason and what's meant to be is and God saw me thru so I won't dwell on the mistakes I made. But I do urge everybody to be your own advocate. To follow your Mommy instincts, to listen to your heart, and find your voice. And to those struggling with infertility or loss, you're not alone. You are strong, you are thought about, you are loved.