Still healing

Ive shared it plenty of times. I went thru ivf to get my babies. I thought I was dying after the egg retrieval. Losing my baby that we transferred with my son was heartbreaking. The pain from the miscarriage was horrific along with the mental state it put me in. My sons pregnancy wasn’t enjoyable. I had issues after issues and I was in constant fear I would lose him too. He came a month early and his birth was traumatic to say the least. I was treated like crap by a doctor who was supposed to be supporting me. I felt the knife cut me open at the start of the emergency c section when I was supposed to be numb. I was put under and didn’t get to experience the birth of my son. I woke up to a cold room and had never felt so alone and scared in my life. My son was no where to be seen and it took forever to find my voice to ask for him. I was in tremendous pain as nurses scrambled to figure out a new system to give pain meds. I had to wait 4 hours after birth to hold and meet my son. Hours later he was taken from me and immediately transferred to the NICU. I barely slept. I remember one night, maybe night 2 of NICU time, when I woke up at 1am and demanded my husband help get me to our son. My legs were so swollen even nurses seemed alarmed at the sight of them. It ached to walk so my husband pushed me in a wheelchair and I stayed staring at him for hours until I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Day 3 I was told by my doctor that if I couldn’t walk to the NICU on my own I couldn’t see my son. She thought it was ridiculous I wasn’t walking around by this point. On day 6 of our hospital stay I got to take my son home. I slept with him next to me until he was almost a 1 year old. I napped with him everyday until I gave birth to his sister. When he cries even to this day, at almost 5 years old, my heart feels like it’s breaking. 2020 is the year I truly started realizing how his arrival into this world shaped me into who I am today. How it literally broke me. Chewed me up and spit me back out and I had to put myself back together. Do you know it took my body and mind and heart maybe over 2 weeks to stop having a panic attack around 8pm every night. Night 4 of the panic attack around the same time it hit me why this time was so important. It was the time he was born and I was asleep not witnessing it. And as I worked hard to heal from that I stupidly decided to stick with my same doctor and nearly fell apart driving to my 6 week check up. I faked it seeing her and even laughed at her stupid jokes. I said nothing about how ridiculous and cruel she was. Nothing. I let her think everything was okay. This set me back and my anxiety got bad again. A couple weeks after this a friend was over and I poured my entire heart out to her about my birth experience and you know what she did? She picked up her phone and called my doctors office. I told her no no stop but she said she had to and she gave an anonymous complaint. I sat there in silence as I listened to the tone of her voice as she advocated for me on my behalf. When she hung up, I swear a piece of my heart mended itself. She said what I wasn’t brave enough to say. It took a long time for me to not be mad at myself. Writing his birth story helped heal me some and now talking about it and being open continues healing me as well. I don’t know if I’ll ever be 100% okay from how he came into this world but I know we have this bond that can’t be broken. When he smiles I smile. When he’s hurt I physically hurt. If he gets embarrassed, I want to grab him and go hide with him. Becoming his Mom made me who I am and I know if I could I would change the way he came into this world in a second. I would have made it this perfect beautiful thing. But it wasn’t and I’m learning that that’s okay and to be grateful he’s here and that our love for each other is so strong. And if going thru what I went thru made our bond like this, then I’d do it all over again. Every single horrible thing.