A photo worth a thousand words

Two years ago exactly my dear friend Jennifer Hess of Whimsical Moments by Jennifer Hess took this picture for me. You might look at it quickly and think she's showing off her tattoo. You might be confused and think it's a maternity photo. It's neither. I shared this photo and story below last year on my Facebook. I want to share it here now that it's been two years. Currently my now 1 year old (so crazy how time flies) is sitting next to my desk on the ground playing with toys.

In early August of 2015, my physical and emotional strength was majorly tested. I did an egg retrieval for our IVF journey and I can honestly say what followed that procedure was some of the saddest and most difficult moments of my life. There were times I thought I was going to meet Jesus and that I would never get to be a Mom. I wish I was being dramatic but I can't even express the pain I was in. And the worst part of the egg retrieval was after it, I hyperstimulated and my stomach stayed swollen for weeks with fluid...to the point that I couldn't do anything for myself. I pretty much became fully dependent on my amazing husband. But quite possibly the cruelest part was that that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was my stomach becoming so big I literally looked to be 9 months pregnant. I felt like the devil was trying to toy with me and break me. Here I was doing everything I could to get pregnant and feeling miserable and for about 3 weeks I looked like I was going to give birth at any moment. It was cruel and it broke me. So when I finally was feeling better my sweet friend Jennifer and I went on an adventure one day and she took some pictures of me at a new photography location we had heard about. At the end before we left, I nervously asked her to snap this shot for me. I didn't just want her to capture this, I NEEDED her to. For me, this photo would act an a reminder to keep the faith. You see that "I love you" on my wrist is my husbands handwriting, a reminder that I have a forever love to hold me when times are tough. That heart I made him draw probably about 17 times before I was content with how it looked. That reminds me of his patience and how he lets me be me and loves me anyway, faults and all. And that belly it is resting on, that was a reminder to myself that one day that belly would be big and beautiful and hold life. It was also important for me to document that I survived, that I was surviving, and that I was doing it all for something I have wanted my entire life... To be a Mommy.

So as I sat here earlier this evening holding my sweet sleeping boy in my arms, it was put on my heart to share this image & not only that, but to share its meaning. Perhaps to give someone who sees it hope or to make them feel not alone. Infertility isn't talked about a lot but it's real and it's really hard. So to anyone who sees this and it speaks to you, you are amazing and loved. You don't have to carry a child to be a mother or to be worthy as a woman. You aren't broken if you go years trying or have heartbreaking results. Don't give up, keep the faith, find the hope to cling to. You are not alone.