National Rainbow Baby Day

I waited far too long to call this boy of mine my rainbow baby.

I didn’t think I was allowed to. I didn’t know it was okay to grieve out loud about the baby I lost at just 6 weeks pregnant. November 22nd 2015 was one of the worst days of my life. We had done our first ivf transfer just a few weeks before & were praying everyday for the Lord to bless us with healthy babies. Babies. I didn’t want to lose any babies. The night of November 22nd was painful. Emotionally and physically as I knew I was miscarrying. I cried out ever so often to God to please let me keep at least one. And from that storm I got my rainbow. My Jackson James. Jackson means “God has been gracious.” And boy was He. Oh my goodness He is daily. But you see I didn’t know my loss counted. I didn’t know I could say I’m carrying a rainbow baby. So if you have read this far and are doubting a loss as a real loss. Sweet Mama, it’s a loss. Any time. Any how. It’s a loss. You grieve. You get mad. But then you grab hold of hope and keep going.

The first week of December in 2017 we prepared for our second ivf cycle. We were to put two embryos in and I prepared myself for twins. I just had it in my head that this time both would take and we would get to keep both babies. Driving to the infertility clinic the day of the transfer I was calmer than I was when I did it the first time back in 2015. I knew what to expect and all I could think about really was not peeing all over myself. The whole “come in with a full bladder” was no joke! Sitting in the cold room waiting for our doctor to come in I was still dreaming about my two babies. I pictured boy/girl twins with blonde hair and blue eyes. My doctor came in and showed me the picture of our two embryos side by side. He pointed to the one that was smaller looking, saying something along the lines of “this one is a decent one”. All I could focus on was the other one. As I thought it, he said it, “but this one, this is what we like to see, a flower blooming, this one looks great.” It looked like a flower. I instantly knew it was a girl. I’m obsessed with flowers. They make me think of my Mom. She loves gardening. Flowers were always in our house. I just knew, I got my little girl. From the date of the transfer to every week that led up to our first ultrasound, every Friday I would bleed. Barely any pain. Wasn’t intense. But it scared me half to death. And it was odd. But my numbers kept climbing and it didn’t seem to be a miscarriage. We were hopeful. But then our first ultrasound showed just one heartbeat. I was heartbroken but my doctor said something that has always stuck with me. He said, “at one point I really think you had both babies.” I loved hearing that. He figured as each week passed my body couldn’t support both. I believed him. I was extremely nauseous so quickly after the transfer. I felt like I was carrying them both. I dreamed of them both constantly. I loved that he told me that. It somehow helped me. But it wasn’t until months into my pregnancy that one of my best friends without hesitation was calling our baby girl, a rainbow baby. I opened up to her saying I wasn’t sure if I could say that.

Again without hesitation she said simply yes you can. Jackson was your rainbow baby too. You got two of them. First time someone other than myself said it out loud. She gave me validation. So silly that I couldn’t have done that myself. But from that moment on I became excited to call her my rainbow baby. I started referring to Jackson as my rainbow baby too. I started healing. Over two years after my first miscarriage finally I was talking about it and fixing my broken heart best I could. I know these posts are repetitive but it’s important. It’s good to talk about it, be open, let your feelings out. If you are waiting for your rainbow baby I’m praying for you. If you need to talk, I’m here for you. To all those that are expecting your rainbow babies and/or are currently snuggling them or watching them play, I rejoice with you!!!

To my two rainbow babies 🌈Thank you for brightening my days with your presence. Thank you for making me a better human being...daily. Thank you for putting the color back into my world. I always say, “it’s sometimes hard to see thru the tears but God always provides.”

Happy National rainbow baby day!