A huge loss

It’s been a week since I held his hand. Since I’ve kissed him. Since I stared at his baby blue eyes. It’s been 7 long days since I’ve sang to him, hugged him, listened to music with him, and got him to smile. This last year has been torture watching him try to come back to us. He fought so hard. He was so strong, but his body couldn’t do it. 7 days ago I laid on his chest crying my eyes out telling him he can go to Heaven now. We will all be okay. But I didn’t want him in pain, I wanted him to be renewed. Even though every part of my being wanted him to stay. 7 days ago because of covid I got only 2 hours total With him. Only allowed two hours in one day seemed incredibly hard. And for me to only have that little of time to say goodbye was a joke. But at the same time, I’m grateful for at least 2 hours because I never wanted to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye to your Dad anyway.

Death is super hard for me. I mean I get it, who enjoys it. But for me, it’s hard. I sit here typing this and I can’t believe it’s already been a week since I gave him one last kiss and hug. My heart can’t wrap itself around the fact that until we meet again, I won’t be getting his amazing hugs or hear him call me sweetie pie. If I have any business questions I can’t ask him, no more dinner dates, no more laughing or singing with him. That’s hard to fathom. That all that just stops.

We were a lot alike and a lot different. He was too harsh with how he talked, but also was so kind. He lost his patience so easily, but he also had respect for others. I valued that. I took note of that. We both loved to sing and I sure loved our quick wits. When I made him laugh, it made me smile so big. He wasn’t the healthiest of eaters, I loved my donuts too. He was a work-a-holic, he was proud I was that way too. He wasn’t one to share his emotions & often times I think I startled him how easily I could cry. But I like to think I helped him like he helped me. Taught him how to be more patient and loving, like he taught me things. I have his blonde hair, his baby blue eyes, his humor, his singing voice, his determination, his stubbornness, and his loyalty.

I look at my Dad and sometimes see my son so easily. The way my daughter walks around and hugs so tightly without knowing her own strength instantly reminds me and my Dad.

This is all so new to me. Losing someone so close to me; let alone a parent. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to stop writing about him right now. This is my outlet, my form of healing I guess, if I ever heal. I feel like me being done writing this and hitting “post” means he really did pass away this past Thursday. That this isn’t all a dream, it’s real.

Until we see each other again Dad. I’ll never stop missing or loving you or dreaming about one of your amazing hugs. And I look forward to hearing your voice someday say again, “well hi there sweetie pie.”